Body Dialogues VI- Dance of Walking part 2

Yesterday, instead of heading out the door for our walk after dinner, Be Sa and I did some yoga first. We both went immediately into our own spaces, moving intuitively from vertical to horizontal, exploring the diagonal planes of the body, reachning from our cores. Although Be Sa does not have formal schooling in somatic awareness like mine, I find that the group mind definitely translates, and have observed changes in his yoga abilities when we do it together. It’s great to teach by existence, not formal pedagogy!

When doing yoga, it’s becoming  easier and easier to just let the body do what it wants to do. In this case it was to move from flexion to extension through the Sun Salutation and intuitive variations of that, and to find all the isolated ways in which one can spiral around the torso. I am glad that I was able to follow the reach from tailbone out of top of head, the line down from fingertips to tailbone, to find initiation both distally and proximally (from my center and from the periphery.) I found myself  moving naturally into some  combinations of fluid dance movement and strong shapes – from container to contents, from bone to fluids to organ to fluids to wrapping spirallic musculoskelal.

 I am intruiged by the idea that artists notate the patterns of life, of living things, and capture the sequences of things in ways that other scientists have not yet done. Just as there are underlying sequences of emotions in story telling, there are certain patterns in the ways we open or close ourselves, and which systems of the bodies we delve into in what order.

Half an hour of joyous-, strong-,  and fluid -space-filling yoga seemed just perfect. Then I changed into my Birkenstocks and we headed out for our walk. I felt expanded, fluid, springy in my step, as if I could reach and reach and reach from my insides out through that foot, and really felt the rocking flexion and extension in my pelvis with each step.

Pleased to report that today I have no pain or soreness anywhere and am very excited to do the same thing again this evening. I need to guard against my sanguinity -“bloodful” over-enthusiasm – which can get fibromyalgia stirred up again and put me in a depressed and sore condition.

So far, so good.

Body Dialogues IV- the Dance of Walking

It’s time for our walk. Be Sa drops the keys to the house in his pocket, steps out to the street, and offers me the crook of his arm. The late afternoon sun is just tipping the blue-violet Mingus Mountain, the Bradshaws to the South, and Granite Mountain to the west, with golden grassy fields running up to them flecked with houses. As usual, it’s a beautiful day in Chino Valley. We live in a beautiful place, and it’s a pleasure to take Be Sa’s arm and walk with him through our quiet neigbhorhood.

Reach out and through the foot, rolling up from heel through knee, and pelvis. Feel the flexing front and back. I’m wearing my periwinkle blue flowered Birkenstocks that I changed into after work. Be Sa has a longer stride than I do, so I need to work to match him. So I change the way I initiate each step, reaching out from the pelvis, rolling forward from the pelvic floor muscles, reaching down with the psoas, gathering up the leg from the iliopsoas and the iliacus. Or is it the other way around? I need to review the pelvic floor. For now, I notice that by extending down through the pelvis and lifting up through the leg, foot follows. I wonder if I am placing my heel to emphatically. I feel the thud, the vibration in the pelvis and the way the adductors complete their external rotation.

-to be continued-

Body Dialogues-III

What does it mean to have ecosomatic awareness? It doesn’t mean by any means that you always feel great and never have physical problems. Sometimes it feels like you feel worse, because you have your attention of things that are usually below the level of consciousness- every little twinge in your muscles, tickles in the throat, etc. One has to walk a fine line between being hypochondriac and being in balanced, sensitive awareness without over-reacting.

What it’s meant for the past 24 hours is that I have felt pretty uncomfortable a lot of the time and been aware of it. My right knee is in a lot of pain, probably from chondromalacia patella, and some soreenss and throbbing in the right hip, and the chronic problem in the trapezius, esp on the left side, has been extreme. Although Ben and I have been walking most evenings, I did not feel up to it last night. I lay on the living room floor on several of the polished marble and gemstone eggs from the coffee table and rolled up and down on them. The relief was dramatic and I felt whole sets of muscles relaxing. As has been happening for several months when I dig into the trapezius, doing so triggered really really intense jaw openings accompanied by contraction of the trapezius, and holding for periods of time.

The contractions and releases then began to travel down the back and along the spine, with incredibly sore points around the scapula, under, around all the edges. Really angry intense points. Some of the contracts went all the way down into the muscles around the pelvis, with satisfying contractions there and release.

As I was hitting the points with the eggs I began to notice how many associated and referred pain points were throughout my back and around the rotator cuff in the front and under the clavicle. Wow, what an intensity! I worked them with my fingertips for a while and then tried gingerly to start moving my neck/head around.

This morning I work up feeling like i actually had rested and like the neck/shoulders were not worse.

I have to try hard not to feel discouraged that I am still dealing with old stress patterns/trauma/wounds rather than developing new skills as a dancer/performer. Then I remember that Grotowski, Stanislavski, many 20th and 21st c. dancers like  and BMC itself focuses on performer releasing his or her resistances and blocks, not developing all kinds of  new stuff to layer on top. Rather than resenting my culture, job which necessitates sitting at a desk and driving a truck, etc., and the stresses of my personal responsibilities, I can recognize that part of my work as an artist and performer is to help create the systems and opportunities which help others to find and keep their balance in similar work/life circumstances.

Finally, I have had an aversion for several months to doing yoga for all the regular reasons – not wanting to be inflamed or exhausted, mostly. Because I did stretching yesterday I will probably try to balance walking and stretching/yoga/strengthening in an intuitive way this evening with Be Sa. Bless Be Sa, that he is so supportive and lovely in this process. I know that he wants to be doing yoga and dance and vocal training, too. I will work with him to organize our evenings so dance and music can happen.

Body Dialogues – II

Morning Reflections

Day 1

I’m going to start writing when I get up in the morning, to recount my assessment of where I’m at in my body.

I discover that as I lay in bed in the mornings I am aware of my mind/body state(s). I also usually wake up remembering my dreams. I find that because I now share the bed with Be Sa that I usually wake up with more stiffness and pains than I did before, when I could flail and jerk and stretch in the bed automatically in the night without another body to bang into. But I also feel better emotionally than I did before our relationship. Knowing that he loves me and feeling his warm skin and warm body against me and his love surrounding me has changed me. I am calmer, happier, more generous and more focused in all that I seek to accomplish in my life and work.

But these day I do usually wake up feeling hot flashy, with pains in the nether regions from having had to pee and holding it all night, and with pains in my trapezius and lower back. These all usually go away after a visit to the bathroom, and the hot flashiness passes after I get out from under the covers. I am usually dehydrated a bit because my bladder holds about 1/4 the fluids of the average woman and if I go to sleep with a lot of liquid in my system then I will have an even worse set of cramps and bladder spasms when I wake up. These are all much worse now that I am going through menopause. If I skip a day of taking the naturally compounded progesterone cream that I’m using, my bladder starts to burn and spasm and I am just miserable. So it’s a balancing act which I have not figured out how to manage completely.

but back to the anxiety. Apparently I have a lot of anxiety. I have lots of anxiety dreams, where I am trying to get various places and have many obstacles. Lately in my dreams I have a Be Sa figure who is there to help me. This morning when I got to the dock where I was to catch the shuttle boat and it was flooded with a couple feet of water and I started panicking about having to step in it, and my purse being missing. But he was there and pointed out where my purse was safe and sound on a desk and he calmly talked me through the steps I needed to take to confirm my ticket, and had me wait above the flood waters, pointing out it was only a few inches and the boat would be there soon. I am glad I have let him into my life and that he is showing up in my dreams, showing me that I am trusting him and relying on him, and he is helping me to transition. The thought occurs to me that the anxiety dreams are related to the bladder business, of feeling an “alarm” in my body.

I have also been having a lot of pain in my right knee, which I know I can simply stretch out using IT band stretches and others, but for some reason have not done that. Deep stretching often feels gross to me and I hate the way I feel afterwards. I already have hypermobile joints and stretching can make me feel all wobbly and unfocused. I am sure that if I had someone to help me to re-orient the muscle groups by applying compression against the limbs and from tailbone to top of head after stretching I would not hate it so much. I will will try to remember to ask Be Sa to do that for me after I stretch.

It is an amazing gift to have a loving and wiling partner in exploration.

Belly fat be gone!

I just read several different real, scientific research reports that show that if you do the following things, belly fat is likely to shrink:

-stay away from butter, cream, and other animal fats (got a ways to go, but now that I know the correlation with belly fat, will be even more motivated. Remember that the research also shows that if you eat animal fats and/or high glycemic foods one day, you will be hungrier and crave them more the next, so it will take a while to get past your cravings in this department. This does not mean you can’t have fat – just stick with veggie oils, like olive.)

-stay away from high-glycemic foods (have eliminated almost all)

-drink green tea (already do)

-add tumeric (circumin), hot peppers (capsaicin), vinegar, soy, Omega 3 fatty acids, and coconut oil to your diet , as each of these has independently been shown to reduce belly fat (already enjoy these and partner has agreed to focus on them in cooking!)

-in general, eat high nutrient and high antioxidant foods, as calorie for calorie they reduce belly fat. These include fruits, veggies, and the occasional glass of red wine – less than one glass a day.

-get enough sleep and drink enough H2O (they both reduce cortisol levels and thus have been shown to reduce belly fat)

-get half an hour of exercise a day.

Since my partner has been getting us both out on a walk for a half an hour every day, and he adores me, cooks, and loves spices, all I need to do is ask him to add more of these spices and foods, which he will;

AND THEN STOP OBSESSING ABOUT IT!

I am so grateful to have a partner who supports me in this and is even willing to adapt our diet to help make the change. I recommend that anyone who is looking to make big changes in their health and diet find a buddy or ask their partner to work with them. It makes all the difference for me. He’s been helping me slowly, since April, to change my diet and habits. The best change is slow change.

Life is indeed good.

Panic Attacks, Anxiety, and Somatic Experiencing: Part II

Panic Attacks, Anxiety, and Somatic Experiencing: Part II

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Exercising the Right to Exercise – I

Although it’s a lot of work to keep it all in balance, I do have good health, overall. I am almost 50 and have to go to the doctor rarely, and lately mostly for help with balancing hormones as I enter the home stretch towards menopause.

But I am afraid to exercise. I mean, really exercise, get in athlete shape. And I want to.

If I were not so insanely ambitious, I’d probably be happy with who I am and how I am body-wise. I am a little overweight and the weight has settled in my middle. I do, however, have low blood pressure and resting heart rate, and my cholesterol levels are close to normal. I eat vegetables and fruits every day and get enough sleep.  My partner is sweet to make sure that we walk a half hour a day, twice around the loop in my neighborhood, and feeds me well, whole grains, seeds, nuts, cooked vegetables, and fresh olive oil and spices from the garden. I don’t have any grey hair yet and my skin is good , and my body firm with little cellulite. I should consider myself lucky, and I do.

Except for the fact that I am a dancer, bellydancer, jazz, hip hop, ballroom, and modern, and  I am sick and tired of being the middle aged fat woman in the class or performance with the skinny girls. I’m also a soprano vocalist, and tired of the cliche of the fat lady who sings. As a chronic asthmatic, I would love to have the aerobic fitness of a runner or other athlete to support all these activities.

I’m also a bit of a hypochondriac, which is no surprise considering the years of frustrating suffering I went through as a result of peanut and corn and environmental allergies and chemical sensitivity before I got tested for allergies and  readjusted my life and diet.

It’s been a long process. For most of my life I’ve had rheumatoid and fibromyalgic symptoms which only just recently abated, when I gave up wheat for the first time (and what a great thing that has been!) and started taking Circumin – tumeric extract – , SAMe, and quercetin on a daily basis.

My family also has a genetic condition we call the “Knowles’ Knees” – wide bones meeting above and below a hyperextended joint with a ridiculously tiny and wobbly little kneecap floating on top of it. combine that with the turnout of a dancer – shortened Iliotibial band along the side of the leg – and a pronated foot, and you have a recipe for chondromalacia patella and chronic knee problems.

My siblings all ran when they were younger, track and cross-country, and all deal with various knee problems still to this day. My mother is working on her second knee replacement.

For most of my life I’ve battled a vicious cycle; don’t exercise, and end up feeling low and depressed; or, exercise, and suffer inflamed irritable bowel, inflamed joints, esp. the knees, and all-over fibromyalgia pain. Don’t exercise, and feel bad about inability to express my talents in dance and performance: or exercise, and go through bouts of working myself up to inspiration and belief that this time, I really could get in good shape and perform, followed by feeling so terrible physically that I just wanted to die. Needless to say, this cycle wasn’t good for the psyche either.

End of Part 1

Chatting with Fat – II

Interesting to note that, after writing that first blog this morning and noting how I at times crave chocolate, I went to the kitchen to make lunch and found myself thinking a lot about chocolate.

I cut a small potato in thin slices, one of the bakers we made up a few days ago, and drizzled olive oil on it and popped it in the toaster oven. I’ve read that potato starch is transformed by being refrigerated – have no idea if re-heating it changes that factor – and that cooling potatoes and eating potatoes with olive oil and vinegar all lower the glycemic index dramatically.

Since I am allergic to corn and practically all the white vinegar made these days is from corn, I can try some balsamic and olive oil, as I do love potatoes.

Being a strawberry blonde, I know I do have low serotonin levels (low serotonin, allergies, depression, are all correlated with being blonde and red-headed, and women make far less serotonin than men to begin with) and so I have to be vigilant to keep on top of how I feel using diet, exercise, and mental focus so I don’t slide into depression. Menopause and two to three weeks at a stretch of PMS between my increasingly-infrequent periods don’t help, either.)

I do feel resentful and frustrated at times that learning how to eat in a way that’s healthy for me is so difficult, and made more so because of food allergies and sensitivities.

I also felt angry for decades that it took me so long to learn how to love and to have a decent love relationship. Now that I do know how to do that, I feel incredibly proud of what I have learned and how hard I worked to get here. I hope I feel that way some day about my health and about nutrition.

Oh, and I did eat chocolate when I was done with lunch. I melted two ounces of Baker’s unsweetened chocolate with some agave syrup (low glycemic index) and vanilla extract, and scooped the fluffy mixture into a little custard cup. It had a taste and texture like flourless chocolate cake – delicious – and I instantly started feeling like my mood was elevated, without feeling jacked up on sugar.

I have to remember that whatever we learn through experience about how to live more gracefully in the world is a gift to others, and we’re invariably asked to share our wisdom. As an integralist I’m sure that I will be asked to share what I am learning in this regard, as well. Maybe this blog can help.